: ) ....(That is a forced smile)

Hi. Every thing is great. I am not stressed. I love working full time and going to school. The challenge of it all is so very invigorating. In no way do I wish I had a nice big break from school right now. I think it is awesome how little sleep I get and how used to it I have gotten. This post reminds me of being a teenager when I would tell myself how I loved the feeling of my stomach digesting itself - it felt good. I am a little warped around the edges. I don't want to complain, but I want to express, so I go a little sarcastic sometimes. I am sick about the Vikings. I am happy about the elections. I feel strange going through the transition of Issa and Emma growing up. I am excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am not excited for cold weather. I very much feel like decorating, but when? And with what $? I am glad that Emma has a good job. I am hopeful Issa will have one soon. I do not like the smell of cat poop. I love the smells of fall. I love my family. I am thankful for my nice warm home. I am grateful for the job I have. I am blessed to have the ability to go to college on line. My animals are cute. My hair is not cute right now. But I have hair, so that's good.

Tidbits....FROM Tonja. : ) (That was not a forced smile.)

phhhlpfffffttttt!

What a night. I spent 2 hours at Urgent Care because Luke fell off the monkey bars. He said it really really hurt. All it was is the wind was knocked out of him, and I KNEW that, but I kept thinking, "what if I am wrong? What if he has a punctured lung, or a cracked vertebrae?" Of course he did not. And all Abbe did the whole time is complain because she was bored and hungry. And then the Vikes lost. And, I just feel like Eyeore. I've got a little rain cloud hovering over my head. I guess that means I should get to bed. Oh, and this is the second Monday in a row I have spent my evening at Urgent Care. Last week it was for Abbe who fell off a skateboard and landed on her hand. Again, my mom instinct said it was fine, but she complained loudly, so against my better judgment I went. I know being sure your child is not seriously injured is not exactly a waste of time, but when a person has as busy a life as I do, it sure does feel like it. Good night.

Harrumph.

Tonja

A poem I like

Solitude, Singing


Being alone is knowing
That in in this solitary splendour
Solitude, stark and staring,
Solitude, singing a lullaby
Solitude, singing a dirge
Surrounded by so many sundry things;
Things seen and unseen
Factors known and unknown
Solitude singing softly, chanting without ranting
Solitude’s songs that sing of solemn things

Silence singing golden songs
Silence healing ancient wrongs
If only silence could be
More than a memory
More than history
Silence can be more than words
Empty words echoing in an empty world
Echoing in empty valleys
Silence unspoken, unspoken, unbroken
Transfixed by time.

Rani Turton

Yikes!

You know that feeling when you feel like grabbing the book you are reading, ripping it into shreds, taking off all your clothes, running into the forest, screaming at the top of your lungs? Yeah. Me too...me too.

shwew!

Well, I have had a marathon run with school this past week. All four of the classes I am taking right now are rather labor intensive, and add that on to working full time, and having 4 kids and a house to care for....well, there almost wasn't time for it all. I actually asked myself more than once what the heck I thought I was doing. However, I got it done. Maybe not as well as I would have liked, but it was...good enough? Something inside me kind of cringes at those words. Shouldn't I be doing everything with excellence? I got a 92.5 on my English essay. My professor said "This is a very good essay. With a little more care, it could have been excellent". I know, but right now, very good is good enough for me. It would stress me out beyond my capacity to deal if I strove for the perfect paper right now. Perhaps I should have waited for a later time in life to go to school so I could have more time to devote to it, but I have taken the step to finish a degree, and I tell you, by hell or high water, I will finish it. Next summer, I do not think I will take classes. I have learned that I will need that time to decompress a bit. I am almost half through and I am still hanging on. God give me the strength to make it to the finish line!

Warning: This post is psycho.

It is 11. I should be sleeping. My mind is running amok as ususal. At the same time, I am not thinking anything that could be considered a rational thought. I have little slivers of thoughts that go by at the speed of light. I can't make it slow down. I have a problem with going to the doctor. I think I am trying to avoid hearing one tell me I should lose weight. Duh. I am actually alive, and not brain dead. I know that. I also am trying to avoid hearing that my problems are anxiety related. So, instead of risking hearing these things, I just don't go. I am 3/4 retarded. I have too much to do, and my thoughts and life are too disorganized. I am tired. Probably because I stay up too late all the time. I really can't wait for Jesus to come back. I think that may be it. I am restless because I don't belong here. I want to go home. I want the struggles and fears and pain to be gone once and for all. What looks to some as someone who can handle alot is actually someone who can shove things down really awesomely and also someone who is a master at a little art called denial and oblivion. I wish I was normal. I definitely am not. Things would be a lot nicer if I was.

what do i want to be when i grow up?

Well, I am completely and totally destitute. I got a 60% on my project. I think that speaks volumes. I am not supposed to be an accountant. If I can't do well in Accounting 201, how the crap am I supposed to get through the rest of it? Just when I thought I had it all figured out. Now I am questioning everything again. Poop.

Football

Well, Luke started flag football tonight. It was....interesting! A lot of kindegartners on that team. But, I am proud of Luke! He plays really well. And he REALLY loves football. It is strange to me that I am letting him play. I always said any son of mine could play any sport but football. It is too dangerous. But when I saw the way he can throw the ball and catch the ball...I had to let him give it a try. He and the coach's son are by far the best players on the team. I will do my best to give him every opportunity to learn the game well and practice. As long as he loves it, he will play! And I will love it since football is my favorite sport!

keys

If you come across a lava flow, and you drop your keys in it, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Cute Quote

Luke: Mom, I think I have a good idea.

Me: Oh yeah? What is that?

Luke: Well, I could get a space ship and fly up to space. I could go to where an old star had exploded and grab some of the dust. Then I could squish it really hard in my hands for a long time. If I could squish it long enough, I could make a star.

Me: Wow! That is a great idea. You are a smart boy.

Luke: It would work mom. I know it. The only problem is, how could I get a space ship?

....hmmmm.....

Today is the epitome of a melancholy day for me. It has been a fairly relaxing, uneventful day, yet strangely unsatisfying. I am sure some of that is hormonal. I just have an urge to buck tradition. Take my kids and just go. Experience things. Enjoy each other. I mean, who says we have to work 40 hours a week, and have to live in a house, and drive a nice car, and so on and so on and so on, just to be "successful" and "happy". And then there is the fact that my darling boy is sick. It's one thing after another. A month ago, his asthmas was bad. That cleared up, then on Wednesday of this past week, strep. Then Friday of this past week, ear infection. Today, his asthma is acting up, and he either has a cold in his eyes, or pink eye. It is a little bit ridiculous. Perhaps it is the time of year. It is the time of year when I lost my dad. It is the time of year that Will made the decisions that got me where I am today. It is strange, because traditionally Spring is a time of hope. But for me, personally, it is a time of great sadness. It's not that I even dwell on these things. It seems that the emotions are just there. Phantom feelings.

A Better Ressurection by Christina Rossetti

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears.
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.

My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk:
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall--the sap of spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perished thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.

blah blah blah

I don't feel good today. I think my stomach is getting messed up because I have taken too much Advil to stave off the effects of not getting enough sleep. I also think I need to start taking a vitamin with Vitamin D in it. My tissue hurts. And I read that 80% of people who are diagnosed with fibromyaliga have a Vitamin D deficiency and when they get their levels up to a healthy number, their symptoms all but evaporate.
I am watching pairs ice skating at the olympics right now. It is so beautiful. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, and I would be so inspired after watching them, that I would pretend I was at the olympics. And now my Abbe does the same thing. It is so sweet to watch her, and kind of understand how she is feeling.
Tomorrow I get to pick up my new to me van. I am excited. Appolonia, our green van, was really scary on the way to church today. The transmission is kind of iffy, and it took until I got to Devils head for it to shift out of first gear. I am thankful that God has protected us until we could afford a different vehicle.
Well, I have some more laundry to do, then I need to make sure I have everything together for tomorrow, and then I will get to bed.
Ta Ta for now!

College

I am doing really well in college. Right now I am getting an A in English and a B+ in Philosophy. I am really proud of myself. I was a little nervous that maybe I thought I was smarter than I actually was, but I am glad to know, that when I apply myself, I am sharper than ever! Sorry, I know this is really braggy, but I'm psyched!

Tonight I went with Abbe and Luke to their 4-H clubs family potluck night. We had a nice time. I am thankful for 4-H. Right now the kids are quite young, but as they get older, the things they are learning will be so important. Abbe still is not sure what she wants to focus on. Well, she wants to do animals, but I am not sure I have it in me to encourage her, knowing all that goes into showing animals. I would rather she take up photography. Or archery. Or sewing, knitting, crocheting, canning, etc. Luke is still a cloverbud, so he is not really focusing on much yet.

Next Friday the kids and I are going to the Milwaukee Public Museum to see an exhibit of the Dead Sea Scrolls. I am really excited about that. We have been able to see some really awesome stuff there. Luke calls them the Dead Sea Squirrels. That about melts my heart away, but not as much as hearing him softly singing himself to sleep at night. I often wonder, why did God choose to bless me with such sweet children? I certainly deserve really bratty kids, seeing as how bratty I was as a kid. But I am thankful He did not do tit for tat. He extends his Grace to me. That is the Sunday School class I am taking now. We are starting in Genesis, and going all the way through the entire bible, looking at all the examples of His grace.

I hardly see Issa and Emma anymore. They are all grown up and busy. I guess that is to be expected. It is impossible to me that my little girls, who loved to play with their plastic animals, are now grown, and dreaming of their futures. Their not too distant futures. I pray that they will make good, thoughtful decisions. I know my attempts to shelter them from the awfulness of the world failed miserably. That breaks my heart. I want good things for them. I pray that God would bless them, and keep them, and make His face shine upon them, and give them peace. I pray that they would know Him well, and would not be afraid to submit their lives to Him. I pray this for all the kids, but especially for my Winky Bean and Bunny. Thank you Jesus for loving them.

life

Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings. I don't. I don't like cages. I want freedom. I need freedom. I am trying to learn how to be free. Sadly, despite all the desire there, I really lack the skills necessary for a free and peaceful life. It is like I have a deficit in this area of life. Like I never learned it. But, the good news is, I have recognized this, and I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am determined. If I fail, I will stand back up, wipe off the debris, and try some more. Because, the alternative is reprehensible. For my children, and for myself, I must succeed.