Heavenly Grass

My feet took a walk in heavenly grass.

All day while the sky shone clear as glass.

My feet took a walk in heavenly grass,

All night while the lonesome stars rolled past.

Then my feet come down to walk on earth,

And my mother cried when she give me birth.

Now my feet walk far and my feet walk fast,

But they still got an itch for heavenly grass.

But they still got an itch for heavenly grass.

Tennessee Williams

Emma's first day of College!

Way to go Emma!

Abbe in her new princess dress from Mamma

Abbe loves her new dress!

Thanks Mamma! It is beautiful!

Some Things Never Change

It has been over 6 months since I have last posted here. I was all about facebook for awhile, but you can't really pour your thoughts out ad nauseum there. Here I can.

In reading my last post, it makes me sad to know that I still feel the same way. I feel restless. I want something..., I don't know, exciting to happen? Really, really wonderful. Yet, as it is for most people, life is just the same old, same old. Get up in the morning, get myself ready, get the kids up and ready. Make sure I have everything for the day ahead. Rush to drop the kids off, and then to work. Make sure I get all 40 hours I am expected to get in, in. Rush to get the kids picked up, and grab some crappy food out because softball, or, the fact that I have to work late to get my time in or whatever will keep me away from home until 8 or so, and when I get home, I rush the kids into the bathroom to brush their teeth, get their jammies on, sing, pray, tuck them in, do some laundry, clean up some, go on the computer for a while, watch tv for a while, then off to bed, far too late. Then, far too early, the alarm goes off and I am at it again. I am tired. But for some reason, I am filled with guilt whenever I take a day off work. I have time coming. But, I think I feel like a slacker or something. And I have this goal to have so much ETO accumulated, that I HAVE to take time off or I will lose it. I wish I could go off by myself for a week or two, with no tv, phone, electronics whatsoever, and just be quiet and still. I feel like I cannot even hear myself thing, much less hear the whispers of God. But I am not sure how to change it. I have to work. And I don't want my kids to be deprived of opportunities because I am tired. WAAAHHH. Cry me a river. I will have plenty of time in the future to relax. Now, I must be the rock. I have used this analogy many times, but I feel like I have been thrown out into the ocean, and I am not a strong swimmer at all, but I can tread water OK. So I am treading, and then I see that my children are in the ocean too, and they are struggling, and cannot stay afloat, so I go to them, and they are hanging on to me, and I am trying to tread water for all of us. And I know Jesus is there. But I can't feel Him. I feel alone, and tired, and determined. I guess it could be my soul groaning to go Home. I really, really cannot wait for that day. For the struggles to be over. And to see my daddy again. And to be with Jesus. Forever. Last week at church, in passing, our pastor spoke of our being chosen, and I had a thought that meant a lot to me. I thought, "Wait. God chose me? God CHOSE me? God chose ME? How can that be? Why would he choose me, when there are so many more talented, smart, disciplined people in the world? Why would I ever buy a lottery ticket? I have won the best prize in the world!" I pray God can break through my diamond hard skull, and let me really really KNOW that, and live like one who has been chosen every day.

Wow. That was all over the place. Sorry, but that's what is on my mind tonight.

Love, Tonja

American Girl English Princess

Abbegale went to an American Girl Mystery Birthday Party today, and she was Emily Bennett, Molly's friend, and she was to dress like a little girl pretending to be an English Princess. Emma dressed her, and did a fantastic job. Abbe had a great time. Just thought I'd pass along the pictures of our little princess.

Ready and anxiously awaiting the party.

A closeup of the princess.

That's all for now.

Love, Tonja

I am sitting here, trying to sort through my thoughts in order to write something witty, or deep, or interesting, but alas, I don't think I will be able to be any of those things. I am in a bit of a melancholy mood. On one hand, I feel so thankful for my nice warm home, the beautiful snow, my beautiful children, this blessed season. On the other hand, I am fighting against restlessness. I keep wanting things to be different. Better. But I cannot let these days that I do have slip away while I hope for a better time. I have done that far too much all ready. I am having merry-go-round thoughts. I need to do laundry. And finish my Christmas shopping list. And find some recipes for Will's Christmas party that we are going to tomorrow. And cook supper. And wrap presents. And so on and so on and so on. And I get paralyzed. I just don't know where to start. This has been a longstanding problem. I basically end up doing nothing until something becomes a crisis. I guess if I make a list and try to prioritize things that would help, maybe? I will go try it. But honestly, I am not holding out much hope. I have to actually LOOK at the list in order to remember I made one in the first place...

Love, Tonja

Church

Well, Will, Abbe, Luke and I went to a different church today. It is called Grace Bible Church in Portage. It is about 20 minutes north of here, and Sauk is about 15 minutes SW of here. I have had a heavy heart for my little kids lately that they don't have an official Sunday School, and they don't have a Christian club to go to on a different night of the week. And in small towns, there are not a lot of options. I had held out on Sauk for quite a while, because I wanted my kids to go to church with kids they went to school with. I was stubborn on that point, but the fact is, that just wasn't working out. Will didn't like River Hills any more, and I was neutral on it. The main reason I kept going is that I wanted Issa and Emma to go, but they basically weren't any more, so what was the point of continuing on going to a church that was not meeting my families needs? However, I was leery of leaving because Will was raised in a family that church hopped. As soon as someone offended his mom, they left. And why did Will not care for River Hills so much any more? Because some people had offended him. But last week, after being gone a few weeks, I was going to give it one more try (at River Hills) and when we got there, they had cancelled the second service that we were heading for without letting us know. I just felt like in my soul that was God closing the door of River Hills to us. And as far as attending church in Sauk, we could go back to SPEFC, however I did not want to do that. Most of the people who attend there are good people, but there are a few in leadership who have their own agendas that they place above God's agendas, and seeing that soured my ability to worship. And the other churches in town are either VERY legalistic or liturgical. Neither of those options appealed to me. So, I began searching for a church in Baraboo. I was basing my search on what they had to offer to school age kids and I ran into a roadblock. Just couldn't find what I was looking for. Well, Will suggested we look to Portage since it really isn't much further from our house than Baraboo. We looked on line and found two churches. The one we decided to try today was Grace Bible Church. I am cautiously optimistic that we have found a new church home. They have Awana on Wednesday nights, Sunday school on Sundays for kids AND adults. The pastor preached from Acts, and it was not a watered down sermon at all. And sadly for me, he was easy to listen to. I say that because I have had a hard time in the past paying attention to very good knowledgable pastors because their style did not hold my attention. I guess the closest thing I can say is that it feels like the Anoka Covenant Church I grew up in. It is pretty traditional, but that is comforting in some ways, at least for Will. I am just putting one foot in front of the other, praying that God would lead us where he wants us to be. Today, it felt right. We will go to Awana on Wednesday and see how that goes. Also, they have a choir that practices Wednesdays while the kids have Awana. That would be good for me. If any of you want to pray that God would cement in my soul whether this is his will for us right now, I would appreciate it. Sorry for the lengthy post, but that is what is on my mind today.

Love, Tonja