Some Things Never Change

It has been over 6 months since I have last posted here. I was all about facebook for awhile, but you can't really pour your thoughts out ad nauseum there. Here I can.

In reading my last post, it makes me sad to know that I still feel the same way. I feel restless. I want something..., I don't know, exciting to happen? Really, really wonderful. Yet, as it is for most people, life is just the same old, same old. Get up in the morning, get myself ready, get the kids up and ready. Make sure I have everything for the day ahead. Rush to drop the kids off, and then to work. Make sure I get all 40 hours I am expected to get in, in. Rush to get the kids picked up, and grab some crappy food out because softball, or, the fact that I have to work late to get my time in or whatever will keep me away from home until 8 or so, and when I get home, I rush the kids into the bathroom to brush their teeth, get their jammies on, sing, pray, tuck them in, do some laundry, clean up some, go on the computer for a while, watch tv for a while, then off to bed, far too late. Then, far too early, the alarm goes off and I am at it again. I am tired. But for some reason, I am filled with guilt whenever I take a day off work. I have time coming. But, I think I feel like a slacker or something. And I have this goal to have so much ETO accumulated, that I HAVE to take time off or I will lose it. I wish I could go off by myself for a week or two, with no tv, phone, electronics whatsoever, and just be quiet and still. I feel like I cannot even hear myself thing, much less hear the whispers of God. But I am not sure how to change it. I have to work. And I don't want my kids to be deprived of opportunities because I am tired. WAAAHHH. Cry me a river. I will have plenty of time in the future to relax. Now, I must be the rock. I have used this analogy many times, but I feel like I have been thrown out into the ocean, and I am not a strong swimmer at all, but I can tread water OK. So I am treading, and then I see that my children are in the ocean too, and they are struggling, and cannot stay afloat, so I go to them, and they are hanging on to me, and I am trying to tread water for all of us. And I know Jesus is there. But I can't feel Him. I feel alone, and tired, and determined. I guess it could be my soul groaning to go Home. I really, really cannot wait for that day. For the struggles to be over. And to see my daddy again. And to be with Jesus. Forever. Last week at church, in passing, our pastor spoke of our being chosen, and I had a thought that meant a lot to me. I thought, "Wait. God chose me? God CHOSE me? God chose ME? How can that be? Why would he choose me, when there are so many more talented, smart, disciplined people in the world? Why would I ever buy a lottery ticket? I have won the best prize in the world!" I pray God can break through my diamond hard skull, and let me really really KNOW that, and live like one who has been chosen every day.

Wow. That was all over the place. Sorry, but that's what is on my mind tonight.

Love, Tonja