Anxiety is such a strange thing.  It has been mostly gone from my life since I finished school.  Then today, poof.  Its back.  Why?  I really have no idea.  There is nothing different going on in my life than there was a month or two months ago.  So, why come back today?  I wish I understood it.  I hate these feelings.  I used to be able to will them away, but I can no longer do that.  *sigh*  Well, if you are reading this, could you just say a prayer for me that God will take away this anxiety?  Thanks.

~Tonja

Stress

All right.  I am just going to come right out and say it.  I am STRESSED OUT!  Like superdeduperdeBOOPerde stressed out!!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*pout*

I don't like it.

Today

“And, at such a time, for a few of us there will always be a tugging at the heart—knowing a precious moment had gone and we not there. We can ask and ask but we can’t have again what once seemed ours for ever—the way things looked, that church alone in the fields, a bed on belfry floor, a remembered voice, a loved face. They’ve gone and you can only wait for the pain to pass. ” 
― J.L. Carr, A Month in the Country

My baby is coming!

I don't know why, but whenever I think of my grandson, Finn, I call him "my baby".  Its weird how things like that happen.  I often call Luke "Buppy".  What does that even mean?  But my mouth just says it.  It is the same with calling Finn my baby.  It just happens.  My heart is jumping with joy!  My grandson will KNOW me.  I will KNOW him!  We will have a real RELATIONSHIP!  I am thankful that Corry is willing to make this huge change for Emma and Finn.  I am praying every day that God will bless his socks off here. :)

Tonja

The lovely Locke's who will soon be with me!!!

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...

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:33)

Pastor spoke about this on Sunday, and I can't stop pondering it.  What does it mean to give up everything?

Today, I am thankful

I am thankful for Abbegale and Luke.  So very, very, thankful.  They have not had an ideal life, yet they are the most loving, kind-hearted, sweet children I know.  I am much more permissive with them than I ever was with Maurissa and Emmalee.  Last night, I went to take a bath and they asked if they could watch a movie on Netflix instant view.  I said of course, and gave them no restrictions.  What did they choose to watch?  VeggieTales.  My almost 12 year old and 9 1/2 year old chose VeggieTales over all kinds of other movies, and this was not because I would have scolded them if they had chosen otherwise.  I am just so very blessed.  

I am thankful for a mother who taught me how to cook.  Funds are tight around here due to me missing a couple of days work when I traveled to Minnesota.  But I am able to look around, find ingredients, and throw together really good meals.  Tonight it was sausage and spinach quiche.  And you know, I am thankful for times when money is in tight supply.  God always shows me that we will want for nothing and using up odds and ends to make new meals brings me great joy.  

I am thankful for my sweet pets.  How I have the two most precious kitties and the sweetest dog on Earth is a mystery.  I have had plenty of stupid, annoying animals in my life, but these three live harmoniously with each other and give all of us joy.

I am thankful that God never gave up on me and that He chose me to be His daughter.  I am so thankful for the grace that makes this possible, for if it were up to me and the things I do and do not do, I would be condemned to hell for sure.  It is a mystery that is too great for me to understand in my mind, but my souls understands and rejoices in it.

Oh, and I am really thankful that I can read and for all the lovely stories out there in the world that I can escape to now and then.

Tonja

Pure Joy

For the first time, this past Christmas, I bought Advent calendars for Abbe and Luke.  Just cheap little cardboard ones from World Market.  Each night they would open their little window, eat their chocolate, and snuggle in my bed with me as I read a few of the Christmas books I have collected.  EVERY NIGHT.  You who know me well must know what an amazing feat this is.  It was WONDERFUL and all three of us looked forward to it every night.  Then, Christmas was here, and the calendars were empty, and we went back to the old way of doing things.  And...we all missed it.  And...I got really convicted.  These precious, beautiful, amazing children are a GIFT!  I had BETTER be able to put aside a half hour a day to spend with them.  So, on Sunday I picked up a devotion a day book from my churches library, and we started our nighttime reading/snuggle routine again.  And tonight, my precious son asked me to pray with him to ask Jesus in his heart.  And then he asked if besides reading the devotional book, if I would read at least one page of the Bible with him each night.  My heart is overflowing with joy.  Abbe, too, has been profoundly effected by this.  One of the devotions talked about prayer and about how when we pray it is just like talking to a friend, and that Jesus really is our best friend and will never leave us.  Abbe has has some mixed feelings about moving, but the other night when I tucked her in after our devotion time, she said "even if all my friends here forget me, and I don't make any new friends in Minnesota, I know that I will always have at least one friend".  I said, "and who would that be?"  She replied "God".  Thank you Lord for the Super Strength Miracle Grow you are using on me and my children.