shwew!

Well, I have had a marathon run with school this past week. All four of the classes I am taking right now are rather labor intensive, and add that on to working full time, and having 4 kids and a house to care for....well, there almost wasn't time for it all. I actually asked myself more than once what the heck I thought I was doing. However, I got it done. Maybe not as well as I would have liked, but it was...good enough? Something inside me kind of cringes at those words. Shouldn't I be doing everything with excellence? I got a 92.5 on my English essay. My professor said "This is a very good essay. With a little more care, it could have been excellent". I know, but right now, very good is good enough for me. It would stress me out beyond my capacity to deal if I strove for the perfect paper right now. Perhaps I should have waited for a later time in life to go to school so I could have more time to devote to it, but I have taken the step to finish a degree, and I tell you, by hell or high water, I will finish it. Next summer, I do not think I will take classes. I have learned that I will need that time to decompress a bit. I am almost half through and I am still hanging on. God give me the strength to make it to the finish line!

Warning: This post is psycho.

It is 11. I should be sleeping. My mind is running amok as ususal. At the same time, I am not thinking anything that could be considered a rational thought. I have little slivers of thoughts that go by at the speed of light. I can't make it slow down. I have a problem with going to the doctor. I think I am trying to avoid hearing one tell me I should lose weight. Duh. I am actually alive, and not brain dead. I know that. I also am trying to avoid hearing that my problems are anxiety related. So, instead of risking hearing these things, I just don't go. I am 3/4 retarded. I have too much to do, and my thoughts and life are too disorganized. I am tired. Probably because I stay up too late all the time. I really can't wait for Jesus to come back. I think that may be it. I am restless because I don't belong here. I want to go home. I want the struggles and fears and pain to be gone once and for all. What looks to some as someone who can handle alot is actually someone who can shove things down really awesomely and also someone who is a master at a little art called denial and oblivion. I wish I was normal. I definitely am not. Things would be a lot nicer if I was.

what do i want to be when i grow up?

Well, I am completely and totally destitute. I got a 60% on my project. I think that speaks volumes. I am not supposed to be an accountant. If I can't do well in Accounting 201, how the crap am I supposed to get through the rest of it? Just when I thought I had it all figured out. Now I am questioning everything again. Poop.

Football

Well, Luke started flag football tonight. It was....interesting! A lot of kindegartners on that team. But, I am proud of Luke! He plays really well. And he REALLY loves football. It is strange to me that I am letting him play. I always said any son of mine could play any sport but football. It is too dangerous. But when I saw the way he can throw the ball and catch the ball...I had to let him give it a try. He and the coach's son are by far the best players on the team. I will do my best to give him every opportunity to learn the game well and practice. As long as he loves it, he will play! And I will love it since football is my favorite sport!

keys

If you come across a lava flow, and you drop your keys in it, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Cute Quote

Luke: Mom, I think I have a good idea.

Me: Oh yeah? What is that?

Luke: Well, I could get a space ship and fly up to space. I could go to where an old star had exploded and grab some of the dust. Then I could squish it really hard in my hands for a long time. If I could squish it long enough, I could make a star.

Me: Wow! That is a great idea. You are a smart boy.

Luke: It would work mom. I know it. The only problem is, how could I get a space ship?

....hmmmm.....

Today is the epitome of a melancholy day for me. It has been a fairly relaxing, uneventful day, yet strangely unsatisfying. I am sure some of that is hormonal. I just have an urge to buck tradition. Take my kids and just go. Experience things. Enjoy each other. I mean, who says we have to work 40 hours a week, and have to live in a house, and drive a nice car, and so on and so on and so on, just to be "successful" and "happy". And then there is the fact that my darling boy is sick. It's one thing after another. A month ago, his asthmas was bad. That cleared up, then on Wednesday of this past week, strep. Then Friday of this past week, ear infection. Today, his asthma is acting up, and he either has a cold in his eyes, or pink eye. It is a little bit ridiculous. Perhaps it is the time of year. It is the time of year when I lost my dad. It is the time of year that Will made the decisions that got me where I am today. It is strange, because traditionally Spring is a time of hope. But for me, personally, it is a time of great sadness. It's not that I even dwell on these things. It seems that the emotions are just there. Phantom feelings.

A Better Ressurection by Christina Rossetti

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears.
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.

My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk:
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall--the sap of spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perished thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.