:/

Well, it is official. I have lost it. I mean, like, for real. I think I have had a real live honest to goodness mini nervous breakdown. I cannot handle this anymore. Thankfully, I don't have to for a while. I did not have a good semester. I am almost positive I got a D in algebra, and that means I have to take it again. grrrrr! I don't have the time nor the money for that. I am a math IDIOT I tell you, and it is so frustrating, because I feel like I am an intelligent, capable woman who can do anything I put my mind to. But apparently that does not include math. I really didn't do well in any of the classes I had the second part of the semester. I don't know. I kind of stopped caring and I HATE that! I am feeling very discouraged. Like I should just cut my losses and move on with my tail between my legs. I am so stressed, I just don't even know what to do. No school for 3 months, (at least). That should help. I hope. I am done. No more school. I should feel JUBILANT. But I feel like going in a dark room and BAWLING my eyes out. And SCREAMING until I can't anymore. I am feeling disillusioned, and SO MAD at myself for being such a loser. I should be able to do this, WELL. I should. But I can't. and I hate that.

Contentment

I am feeling so oddly happy and content today. I am not sure why. It is cloudy but I see beauty in it. My car cost a lot of money to fix, but I am happy that it is fixed. I wish I knew what has caused this. I love feeling this way...I love this outlook I have on life. I want it to stay this way! It should be something I have control of, but somehow, I think I don't. I feel a little bit like I am looking at the world through Jesus' eyes, and I like it!

Does this post sound like I am on some heavy drugs? Does it sound sarcastic? It isn't. I am honestly, earnestly feeling this way. : )

Tonja

My Kids

Aren't they just the best?
I love this picture. I had to work and Issa and Emma brought Abbe and Luke to the zoo. They must have asked someone to take this picture, and I am so glad they did. I just love this picture.

I am feeling so blessed.

Tonja

This is a video of Abbe and the MCCS 5th Grade Basketball team. : )

Tonja

: ) ....(That is a forced smile)

Hi. Every thing is great. I am not stressed. I love working full time and going to school. The challenge of it all is so very invigorating. In no way do I wish I had a nice big break from school right now. I think it is awesome how little sleep I get and how used to it I have gotten. This post reminds me of being a teenager when I would tell myself how I loved the feeling of my stomach digesting itself - it felt good. I am a little warped around the edges. I don't want to complain, but I want to express, so I go a little sarcastic sometimes. I am sick about the Vikings. I am happy about the elections. I feel strange going through the transition of Issa and Emma growing up. I am excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am not excited for cold weather. I very much feel like decorating, but when? And with what $? I am glad that Emma has a good job. I am hopeful Issa will have one soon. I do not like the smell of cat poop. I love the smells of fall. I love my family. I am thankful for my nice warm home. I am grateful for the job I have. I am blessed to have the ability to go to college on line. My animals are cute. My hair is not cute right now. But I have hair, so that's good.

Tidbits....FROM Tonja. : ) (That was not a forced smile.)

phhhlpfffffttttt!

What a night. I spent 2 hours at Urgent Care because Luke fell off the monkey bars. He said it really really hurt. All it was is the wind was knocked out of him, and I KNEW that, but I kept thinking, "what if I am wrong? What if he has a punctured lung, or a cracked vertebrae?" Of course he did not. And all Abbe did the whole time is complain because she was bored and hungry. And then the Vikes lost. And, I just feel like Eyeore. I've got a little rain cloud hovering over my head. I guess that means I should get to bed. Oh, and this is the second Monday in a row I have spent my evening at Urgent Care. Last week it was for Abbe who fell off a skateboard and landed on her hand. Again, my mom instinct said it was fine, but she complained loudly, so against my better judgment I went. I know being sure your child is not seriously injured is not exactly a waste of time, but when a person has as busy a life as I do, it sure does feel like it. Good night.

Harrumph.

Tonja

A poem I like

Solitude, Singing


Being alone is knowing
That in in this solitary splendour
Solitude, stark and staring,
Solitude, singing a lullaby
Solitude, singing a dirge
Surrounded by so many sundry things;
Things seen and unseen
Factors known and unknown
Solitude singing softly, chanting without ranting
Solitude’s songs that sing of solemn things

Silence singing golden songs
Silence healing ancient wrongs
If only silence could be
More than a memory
More than history
Silence can be more than words
Empty words echoing in an empty world
Echoing in empty valleys
Silence unspoken, unspoken, unbroken
Transfixed by time.

Rani Turton