Four letter words

 So, lately, I’ve been finding it very easy to say all kinds of four letter words. They just come flying out of my mouth. Except for one. One little word that my mouth just cannot say. Help. I find it nearly impossible to ask for help. Because I’m strong don’t you know? Because I can handle it! Because I got this. Because I’m always there for everybody. But you know what? I’m tired. I get tired and I am tired. And sometimes it gets a little bit depressing to think that nobody seems to give a rip about me. That I am worth what I can do for them and that’s it. And I hate myself for feeling that way. Because who cares? No I’m serious. Who cares?

Gilbert Moteberg

Well, in 2 weeks it will be 17 years since my daddy died.  And all I can do is cry.  Still.  Am I ever going to stop missing him?  Am I ever going to just be able to accept the fact that he is not here and he's not coming back?  I know it can't be normal.  I keep trying to understand why I can't seem to let him go.  I have thought at times that I keep mourning him because I don't want to forget him.  And I am sure that is part of it.  Then I think, well, its because he was so special.  And that is certainly true.  I am starting to wonder if its that he died about a year before my life got turned upside down and all the emotions of that time are swirled together and since my dad is the only thing from that time I want to think about....I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.  But I am starting to really think that is what it is.  Regardless of WHY, the fact remains that I miss him.  I just want him to have never gotten sick.  I just want my kids and grandkids to have him in their lives.  I want him to have been able to retire and travel and enjoy his retirement that he worked SO HARD for!  It is soooo unfair.  He'd be 77 right now.  There are TONS of people who are 77 and older and healthy. 

Inspiring words

"This grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never all dried at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal sunset, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."

—John Muir, John of the Mountains: The Unpublished Journals of John Muir

Homemade Sloppy Joes

Ingredients:

§  2 pounds ground beef

§  1 large onion, diced

§  3 cloves garlic, pressed

§  1 (6 oz) can tomato paste

§  1/4 cup + 4 T brown sugar

§  1/2 cup white vinegar

§  1/4 cup water

§  1 cup Salsa

§  1 cup ketchup

§  3 tbsp Dijon mustard

§  Salt and pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS:

1. Cook ground beef in a large skillet over medium heat with onion and garlic until meat is no longer pink.  Drain any excess grease.

2. Combine remaining ingredients in the same skillet as the beef mixture.  Bring to a simmer, lower heat, and cook, stirring occasionally, for 20 to 30 minutes.   

My Autumn front door.

This World

You know, if a person let themselves read about and think about all the awful things that happen in this world, it would make them really sad.  And if a person is alive, and living out amongst all the things in this world, it is nearly impossible not to read and think about it.  We are inundated with awfulness because, lets face it, this world is filled with awfulness.  I don't think I can take one more story right now about nice, good teenage boys dying tragically. I am sick to death of wonderful people being brought down by cancer, or heart disease, or lung disease...or any disease.  I am just done with it.

Tired

Well, I haven't posted in a while, and I only do so today to whine about how tired I am.  I swear, if I close my eyes, I will be asleep in minutes.  I just want a week where I can sleep to my hearts content.  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently, it is.

Dream

So, I am looking for a new house.  Exciting!  And nerve wracking.  And it has seeped into my dreams.  Last night I dreamed that I had moved into a new house, and my cats were there.  I was like, "Hey, Glen!  Hey, Ben!".  And then I saw a little kitten, and I was like "What?"  And then I saw another kitten and I was all "What's going on here?"  Then I saw another "kitten" but it was part rat, part kitten, and then another that was part guinea pig, part kitten.  And in my dream I thought "Ooooohhhhh, I know what's going on here.  The previous owner had that guinea pig that escaped, and Ben and Glen must have found her and mated with her and now I have these weird hybrid kittens."

My brain is a really scary place sometimes!

~Tonja

Time is flying by too quickly....

COMING SOON - REGISTRATION 2014-15

We are fast approaching our Jackson Middle School registration process and wanted to inform you of some important dates coming in January.  We ask our students to make some very important decisions at this time, and their choices guide our staffing and course offerings at Jackson and are often difficult to change at a later date.  Thank you for your support in this process.  Visit our Jackson webpage for more information and resources as they become available.

Incoming 6th Grade (Current 5th Grade):

JMS registration presentations at elementary schools – January 9 and 10

Instrument trial opportunities at JMS – January 9, 10, and 11

Registration sheets due to elementary teacher – January 15

6th to 7th, and 7th to 8th Grade Registration:

Registration presentations delivered in advisory – January 6 and 7

Registration sheets due – January 10

CPHS Registration for 8th to 9th Grade:

CPHS registration presentations in math classes – January 24

CPHS Parent Information Night – January 28

Registration sheets due – January 31

This email sent from my daughter's school made me bawl today.  Abbe will be going to High School, and Luke to Middle School.  My babies, growing up so fast.  I wish I could slow time down just a little.   

Darkness/Light

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” 
― C.G. Jung

The days are getting darker.  It is good to know that, brighter days WILL come.

~Tonja

Anxiety is such a strange thing.  It has been mostly gone from my life since I finished school.  Then today, poof.  Its back.  Why?  I really have no idea.  There is nothing different going on in my life than there was a month or two months ago.  So, why come back today?  I wish I understood it.  I hate these feelings.  I used to be able to will them away, but I can no longer do that.  *sigh*  Well, if you are reading this, could you just say a prayer for me that God will take away this anxiety?  Thanks.

~Tonja

Stress

All right.  I am just going to come right out and say it.  I am STRESSED OUT!  Like superdeduperdeBOOPerde stressed out!!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*pout*

I don't like it.

Today

“And, at such a time, for a few of us there will always be a tugging at the heart—knowing a precious moment had gone and we not there. We can ask and ask but we can’t have again what once seemed ours for ever—the way things looked, that church alone in the fields, a bed on belfry floor, a remembered voice, a loved face. They’ve gone and you can only wait for the pain to pass. ” 
― J.L. Carr, A Month in the Country

My baby is coming!

I don't know why, but whenever I think of my grandson, Finn, I call him "my baby".  Its weird how things like that happen.  I often call Luke "Buppy".  What does that even mean?  But my mouth just says it.  It is the same with calling Finn my baby.  It just happens.  My heart is jumping with joy!  My grandson will KNOW me.  I will KNOW him!  We will have a real RELATIONSHIP!  I am thankful that Corry is willing to make this huge change for Emma and Finn.  I am praying every day that God will bless his socks off here. :)

Tonja

The lovely Locke's who will soon be with me!!!

<3 p="">

...

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:33)

Pastor spoke about this on Sunday, and I can't stop pondering it.  What does it mean to give up everything?

Today, I am thankful

I am thankful for Abbegale and Luke.  So very, very, thankful.  They have not had an ideal life, yet they are the most loving, kind-hearted, sweet children I know.  I am much more permissive with them than I ever was with Maurissa and Emmalee.  Last night, I went to take a bath and they asked if they could watch a movie on Netflix instant view.  I said of course, and gave them no restrictions.  What did they choose to watch?  VeggieTales.  My almost 12 year old and 9 1/2 year old chose VeggieTales over all kinds of other movies, and this was not because I would have scolded them if they had chosen otherwise.  I am just so very blessed.  

I am thankful for a mother who taught me how to cook.  Funds are tight around here due to me missing a couple of days work when I traveled to Minnesota.  But I am able to look around, find ingredients, and throw together really good meals.  Tonight it was sausage and spinach quiche.  And you know, I am thankful for times when money is in tight supply.  God always shows me that we will want for nothing and using up odds and ends to make new meals brings me great joy.  

I am thankful for my sweet pets.  How I have the two most precious kitties and the sweetest dog on Earth is a mystery.  I have had plenty of stupid, annoying animals in my life, but these three live harmoniously with each other and give all of us joy.

I am thankful that God never gave up on me and that He chose me to be His daughter.  I am so thankful for the grace that makes this possible, for if it were up to me and the things I do and do not do, I would be condemned to hell for sure.  It is a mystery that is too great for me to understand in my mind, but my souls understands and rejoices in it.

Oh, and I am really thankful that I can read and for all the lovely stories out there in the world that I can escape to now and then.

Tonja

Pure Joy

For the first time, this past Christmas, I bought Advent calendars for Abbe and Luke.  Just cheap little cardboard ones from World Market.  Each night they would open their little window, eat their chocolate, and snuggle in my bed with me as I read a few of the Christmas books I have collected.  EVERY NIGHT.  You who know me well must know what an amazing feat this is.  It was WONDERFUL and all three of us looked forward to it every night.  Then, Christmas was here, and the calendars were empty, and we went back to the old way of doing things.  And...we all missed it.  And...I got really convicted.  These precious, beautiful, amazing children are a GIFT!  I had BETTER be able to put aside a half hour a day to spend with them.  So, on Sunday I picked up a devotion a day book from my churches library, and we started our nighttime reading/snuggle routine again.  And tonight, my precious son asked me to pray with him to ask Jesus in his heart.  And then he asked if besides reading the devotional book, if I would read at least one page of the Bible with him each night.  My heart is overflowing with joy.  Abbe, too, has been profoundly effected by this.  One of the devotions talked about prayer and about how when we pray it is just like talking to a friend, and that Jesus really is our best friend and will never leave us.  Abbe has has some mixed feelings about moving, but the other night when I tucked her in after our devotion time, she said "even if all my friends here forget me, and I don't make any new friends in Minnesota, I know that I will always have at least one friend".  I said, "and who would that be?"  She replied "God".  Thank you Lord for the Super Strength Miracle Grow you are using on me and my children.

What is wrong with me?

On Sunday, at church, the Moody Symphonic band was there, and they led our worship.  It was really beautiful.  Toward the end, they had the congregation join them in the hymn "How Great Thou Art".  I started sobbing.  So hard.  I had to bury my face in my hands so I wouldn't make those around me uncomfortable.  Why?  Because I cannot hear that song without hearing my daddy's bass voice singing right next to me.  And that hurts so bad.  It makes me miss him so acutely...Then today, my mom sent me an email reminding me to send a card to my dad's twin brother Lyle because Saturday is his 70th birthday.  I did send him a card.  I am really happy to do so, but...I HATE that I can't celebrate my dad's 70th birthday with him.  In March, he will have been gone for 10 years.  A decade.  But I can't let him go.  I just can't.  I still miss him.  I still want to wake up and find out it has just been a bad dream.  When I go to MN, I want him to be sitting in his chair and see his face turn into one big smile at the sight of his grandkids.  I want to hug him, and feel his hug right back.  I want to tell him that if I sat down and tried to imagine the best dad in the world, I could never have even imagined someone as wonderful as he is.  I want to tell him that life on Earth was a million times better when he was here.  I know I will see him again.  I long for that day.

Well, DUH!

I know this is not exactly news, but I just have to put in writing how much I love my family.  You know, God is really awesome the way he put me with a family who is just perfect for me.  I am so blessed.  I do not deserve them.  But I am so thankful for them. 

Stressed Out.

Nobody gets a nervous breakdown or a heart attack from selling kerosene to gentle country folk from the back of a tanker in Somerset.
 ~ Roald Dahl
         I guess maybe I should switch careers....Kerosene sales.  Hmmmm.....