Four letter words

 So, lately, I’ve been finding it very easy to say all kinds of four letter words. They just come flying out of my mouth. Except for one. One little word that my mouth just cannot say. Help. I find it nearly impossible to ask for help. Because I’m strong don’t you know? Because I can handle it! Because I got this. Because I’m always there for everybody. But you know what? I’m tired. I get tired and I am tired. And sometimes it gets a little bit depressing to think that nobody seems to give a rip about me. That I am worth what I can do for them and that’s it. And I hate myself for feeling that way. Because who cares? No I’m serious. Who cares?

Gilbert Moteberg

Well, in 2 weeks it will be 17 years since my daddy died.  And all I can do is cry.  Still.  Am I ever going to stop missing him?  Am I ever going to just be able to accept the fact that he is not here and he's not coming back?  I know it can't be normal.  I keep trying to understand why I can't seem to let him go.  I have thought at times that I keep mourning him because I don't want to forget him.  And I am sure that is part of it.  Then I think, well, its because he was so special.  And that is certainly true.  I am starting to wonder if its that he died about a year before my life got turned upside down and all the emotions of that time are swirled together and since my dad is the only thing from that time I want to think about....I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.  But I am starting to really think that is what it is.  Regardless of WHY, the fact remains that I miss him.  I just want him to have never gotten sick.  I just want my kids and grandkids to have him in their lives.  I want him to have been able to retire and travel and enjoy his retirement that he worked SO HARD for!  It is soooo unfair.  He'd be 77 right now.  There are TONS of people who are 77 and older and healthy. 

Inspiring words

"This grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never all dried at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal sunset, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."

—John Muir, John of the Mountains: The Unpublished Journals of John Muir

Homemade Sloppy Joes

Ingredients:

§  2 pounds ground beef

§  1 large onion, diced

§  3 cloves garlic, pressed

§  1 (6 oz) can tomato paste

§  1/4 cup + 4 T brown sugar

§  1/2 cup white vinegar

§  1/4 cup water

§  1 cup Salsa

§  1 cup ketchup

§  3 tbsp Dijon mustard

§  Salt and pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS:

1. Cook ground beef in a large skillet over medium heat with onion and garlic until meat is no longer pink.  Drain any excess grease.

2. Combine remaining ingredients in the same skillet as the beef mixture.  Bring to a simmer, lower heat, and cook, stirring occasionally, for 20 to 30 minutes.   

My Autumn front door.

This World

You know, if a person let themselves read about and think about all the awful things that happen in this world, it would make them really sad.  And if a person is alive, and living out amongst all the things in this world, it is nearly impossible not to read and think about it.  We are inundated with awfulness because, lets face it, this world is filled with awfulness.  I don't think I can take one more story right now about nice, good teenage boys dying tragically. I am sick to death of wonderful people being brought down by cancer, or heart disease, or lung disease...or any disease.  I am just done with it.

Tired

Well, I haven't posted in a while, and I only do so today to whine about how tired I am.  I swear, if I close my eyes, I will be asleep in minutes.  I just want a week where I can sleep to my hearts content.  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently, it is.